Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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