dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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