I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
