Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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