Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
