You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Send help, water and tortillas.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
