my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
birth control should be required to get into college
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
