nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
