Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
