Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
