if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
