woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You're like the curious george of whores
Found your dick twin last night
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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