Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She said her name was "party"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
