During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
