Plan B is the new Plan A
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
