for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
