Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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