My liver just broke up with me...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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