You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
