i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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