24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
