saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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