they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
