i don't like sucking hair
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
