I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
