I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
