I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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