Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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