Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
