if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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