My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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