I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Text me some of your sweat
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
