Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
