The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
