So drunk its hurt
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
