I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
