i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
