it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
