alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
