How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
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