What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
