I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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