There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
