I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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