Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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