i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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