We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
whose parrot is this?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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