Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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