apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
