he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
