Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
So much Jack, so little girl.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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